


Stick 'em with the pointy end

by TyrantChimera



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Crack, I mean, Language, Minor Character Death, Oneshot, Time Travel, Time Travel AU, have you read the description??, if that ain'tcrack I don't know what is, it feels good to put out a 'silly humour' fic again, kind of crack tbh, rated for cartoony violence, they're tonberries, tonberry au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23247826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TyrantChimera/pseuds/TyrantChimera
Summary: No one's really sure what's going on. They're all tonberries for one. In the past, for another. And no one's really sure why either of those things had to be. But they're going to make the most of it. And if they all delight in people screaming and running, because hey, tonberries, well.... no one said you couldn't have fun while saving the world.Time travel AU, oneshot, rated for cartoony violence, minor character death, and language. Kind of crack, tbh.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 443





	Stick 'em with the pointy end

**Author's Note:**

> I had to reformat the whole thing because one of the sites I upload to didn't take the '>' and '<' marks I was using for their speech, so now it's '[' or ']'. Yay.
> 
> -Edit- Oh My Gawd, thank you so much to askthedevicer who made me fanart. Go see this guys it's glorious https://askthedevicer.tumblr.com/post/619156991209848832/so-i-went-through-and-read-all-of-tyrantchimeras

I.

They all went to sleep, perfectly normal humans for the most part, on a perfectly normal night. There was nothing to hint otherwise.

They did not wake up normal, however.

Yuffie was the first up, and her shrill squeaks of outrage roused them all in short order. Everyone turned to look, but they didn't actually see Yuffie as they knew her. What was actually there shocked them all. Instead of Yuffie, whom they'd expected with the squeaking... they saw a tonberry?

[WHY DO I HAVE A TAIL!? AND WHY ARE THERE TONBERRIES EVERYWHERE!? All right, who did this? First I'm gonna beat them up! Then I'm stealing the materia they used to do this with!] Huh. Maybe it was Yuffie after all-wait.

A navy one perks up, confusion on its features. [You're a tonberry?]

[I'm a tonberry? But you're also a tonberry!]

[I'M A TONBERRY TOO!?]

[WHY ARE WE ALL TONBERRIES!!?]

They all devolve into frantic, shocked yelling. Some fall over from their unfamiliar limbs, some scream incoherently, some just silently enjoy the show as the others panic. One of them even blinks, still half asleep, and already Done With This Shit. Needless to say, waking up is not pleasant.

II.

The second thing they discovered, after realizing they had all been turned into murderous fish people with sharp pointy objects, was that they couldn't talk. Unfortunately, vocal cords were no longer a thing. Fortunately, they had an alternative.

[It appears we are telepathic, now,] Vincent states somberly, looking around. His glowing red eyes reflected off his pitch black hide. He blinks, his eerie oculars the only reason he doesn't disappear into the darkness of the cave entirely. 

There was another fun discovery. They were no longer in their homes or wherever else they'd gone to sleep (you never knew with Vincent). They were instead in a cold, dark cave, complete with mako veins and ice coating the walls. Their breaths would have come out in mist if they were human, but tonberries, it seemed, were cold blooded. Their bodies were as cold as the air around them.

There are many other tonberries in the group, and without them speaking up (and why do the voices in their heads sound just like they would out loud?), it's hard to tell who is who. The majority are far more colourful than they should be. Cloud is recognizable though, by his colour and the miniature fusion sword he holds. Pale yellow skin twitching with unease, he fixes his beady blue eyes on a hyperactive Yuffie, who is wasting no time running about and getting used to things and making them all dizzy with her antics. Its clear the telepathy thing is bringing up bad memories for him. No one says anything about it though.

[It's real cold here. Think we're in the Northern crater?] yaps the pale green ninja, her shuriken nearly dragging on the ground behind her no matter how high up her back she sheaths it. She snorts, but the sound comes out high pitched and whiny instead of pouty.

[Guess that's why them tonberries always have cloaks on,] grumbles an oddly brown tonberry, who is twiddling with a miniature silver machine gun. It was Barret, who had ended up with a firearm instead of the traditional knife, apparently. Vincent is inspecting his tinier version of Cerebrus as well.

A purple tonberry, bright blue eyes glittering with mischief, speaks up. [Well, can't say it makes sense, being reincarnated as a tonberry, but it could be worse. So. Who are you guys?]

Cloud stares, his eyes wide. [...Zack?]

Zack stares back. [Cloud? Cloud!]

But before they can start shrieking in joyous reunion (and not the 'a-mommy-issues-silverette-is-trying-to-destroy-the-world' kind of reunion), another tonberry pipes up. [I'm Aerith, by the way.] The green eyes of the pink creature are twinkling with mirth.

[AERITH!?]

[ZACK!?!]

[CLOUUUUUUDDD!!!]

[AERITH...?]

They devolve into screaming for the second time that day. In that same hour, no less. Zack happy-tackles poor Cloud to the floor. At least this time, the shock is a bit more pleasant.

III.

Watching a tonberry version of Cid Highwind chew on a cigarette and lean on a spear is surprisingly hilarious. [So lemme get this $@%&ing straight,] he begins, [we all get turned into tonberries, a few of us come back to life even, and yet no one knows what the &@#% is goin' on? Not even Ms. Ancient here?] He points the spear at Aerith, eyes narrowed. His tail splats against the ground irritably.

Aerith just giggles and shrugs. She's having too much fun with this, even if it's bizarre.

[I'd imagine we should and figure out our surroundings, first,] says Reeve, the navy tonberry from earlier. His black eyes blink sagely.

[No time like the present! Let's go, then!] Tifa cheers. She's clearly trying to help, and it seems to be working. They all turn as she moves, her brick red body held stiff with determination. She toddles off. They walk after her.

It doesn't take them long to realize something else new.

[Leviathan's slippery scales!! Being a tonberry is so gosh dang SLOW!!!!]

It's gonna be a long road ahead of them...

IV.

It turns out that they were, indeed, in the Northern Crater. The other monsters look at them oddly as they pass, but leave them well enough alone. Cloud's murderous brooding, if not the assorted dangerous weapons they hold, no doubt scares them all off.

They leave the cave and come to the surface, groan at their misfortune (the snow banks outside are easily twice their height), and keep traveling. Despite their slow pace, it's very steady going. It would seem that the body of a tonberry could plow through almost any obstacle, be it deep snows or high cliffs. Which is good, because there's no way they're getting a ride from a snowmobiler, and the chocobos are always gone with a “wark!” before they can even see where they were. A poor man comes across them once, in the snowfields, and before they can so much as turn to face him he retreats with a slew of sharp curses.

Tifa sighs. [Guess we're gonna have to get used to people screaming and running, huh.]

It's honestly not as bad a prospect as it could have been.

V.

They stare at the ocean.

[I know I suggested we go to Edge to acquire information,] Nanaki bemoans, [But I admit, I forgot about having to cross an ocean to get there.]

Everyone stares at the water, cold and rough. Zack hums, tilts his head, and makes a what-can-you-do sigh of epic proportions. Then he waggles his bottom and flaps his finned tail. [Guess we see how good these things are, eh?]

Yuffie just waddles forwards flips her tail, and grins a fishy grin. [Beats taking a boat!]

She jumps in. There's really nothing else to do but follow.

VI.

They don't make it to Edge. They do, however, see Midgar.

There's an appropriate, sullen silence. The implications are dire. At least, at first. Aerith gets an evil grin. [So.... I'm thinking there's a reason we're tonberries.] Everyone looks to her. She goes over to Zack, picks up his mini buster sword, and smiles even more widely and evilly than before. [I think we all have our own hit lists but... Anyone want to kill some sorry scientist by the name of Hojo?]

They all stare.

[Can we get Hollander too?] Zack asks innocently.

Aerith's smile is blinding. [Of course we can, honey boo!]

Zack cheers. The others just roll their eyes and/or groan. Vincent gets a rather thoughtful look on his face as he stares at his gun, up to Midgar, and back to his gun. He hums. Barret notices, and would have raised his eyebrows at his fellow gunner if he still had them. [What'cha thinkin' Vince?]

[...Tonberries have lethal toxins they use to coat their weapons to make them kill within seconds.] He looks up at the others, [We may have these toxins too...]

The party all stare again. Cloud blinks. [Maybe?]

Yuffie's subsequent villainous giggle would have sent a chill down even Sephiroth's spine.

VII.

The first order of business is to test if they have the poisons in their systems. These tests are successful. They indeed have the toxins, in their saliva no less. The plains around Midgar have never been so monster free before. They all lick their knives, or swords, even their bullets whenever they get the chance, and more than a few of them have a little too much fun doing so.

Getting into Midgar involves a bit less success, at first. Guards are stationed at the entrances, and no one is willing to alert the authorities that are there.

[So. How to get in?] Nanaki starts. The others hum and haw, and no one has any ideas.

And then Zack pipes up. [Hey, you all remember that thing the kids in the movies did...?]

[What kids and what movies.] Cloud snipes, and it's clear to everyone there that he doesn't trust his best friend half far as he can throw him. Not with this. Aerith's giggles beside him aren't helping things any either.

Zack doesn't answer. He just wanders off, comes back with a large fabric scrap that may have been a blanket or tarp at some point, and drapes it over Cloud. He then picks Cloud up on his shoulders and grins.

[There is no way that's gonna work,] Cid grumbles.

[Like stuffing me into a Shinra infantry uniform didn't work in Junon?] Nanaki counters in wry amusement.

[I hope, for the sake of my own dignity, that this doesn't work,] groans Reeve.

It does.

Vincent and Yuffie, having already snuck in while the group was arguing (to save themselves from further embarrassment, probably), watch the affair solemnly. They stare at the group, the group stares back, and as a unit they all sigh in despair at humanity's failings. Aerith looks at Reeve sidelong, [You should know by now, Reeve, that AVALANCHE's dignity was always forfeit.]

[At least you weren't forced into a dress this time, hey buddy?] Zack laughs, jumping a little with Cloud still on his shoulders.

Cloud smacks him.

VIII.

Dignity is something they'd all lost long ago. Sneaking up onto the plate under upturned trash cans and oil drums wasn't even worth batting an eye at. Cid somehow found a wooden barrel.

The group stared at Shinra HQ from the alley at its side, muttering to each other about what they were going to do henceforth. Once they went through with this, there would no doubt be consequences.

[Hojo and Hollander, then Jenova, then the reactors. That about the order we agree on?] Barret finalizes after a half hour of chittering and gesturing at each other with small, sharp, and pointy objects. The others nod.

[I'll get a laptop, hack security, and watch everything from the vents until we're all done,] Reeve offers. The others nod in agreement, then wander into the building

If Barret had any complaints about the stairs before, they all had them now. They all had to literally hop them one step at a time. It took literal hours, yet no one came across them the entire time. The stairwell was as hidden and neglected as ever. Eventually they all came onto the executive floors with little fuss. At least, until someone spotted them.

They all felt bad for that one Shinra trooper, they really did. Poor man turned a corner, saw nearly a dozen colourful tonberries staring him in the eye from less than a meter away, and ran away screaming. The only proper response, really. At least he'd had the sense to scream for help.

Reeve gave them all one final briefing on which vents to take (he's used them as convenient hidden passageways for Cait Sith for ages, and it turns out they were nicely tonberry sized too). Then the group split up, the quieter ones going solo while the rest spread out, just in case their targets weren't where they usually were. They slowly and carefully made their way up and around the building. Reeve made short work of stealing a computer, Cid made a snort of amusement at how well their little claws helped them climb things, and Barret nearly broke all their cover, laughing heartily when he saw the same trooper from earlier getting admonished for his tale of multiple multi-coloured tonberries running around in the middle of Shinra tower. Poor, poor guy. No one believed him.

Vincent found Hollander first. Zack made his way towards him, the telepathy they all shared invaluable for coordinating efforts. The group decided to wait until they had both scientists in their sights at the same time before striking, though. The less warning either had, the better.

Hojo proved difficult to track down however. They all searched far and wide, bit found nothing. Cloud was the first to get impatient. He stiffened, growled, and threw caution to the winds. [Screw this. I'm walking in there,] he hissed, and dropped out of a vent to walk into the science department. The others were alarmed. Almost as alarmed as the laboratory assistant who spotted him and dashed out of his way with a yelp.

The woman was doing her best to fumble out a PHS and stay WELL out of the way of the murderous monster glaring almost literal daggers at her. “Experiment! Experiment on the loose!”

Cid huffed, [Well, that'll grab the greasy grubber's attention, if nothing else.]

[Cloud, there are better ways to get Hojo to come out,] Vincent chided.

[Walking into enemy territory is definitely inadvisable,] Reeve agreed.

[Too late. Doing it.] Cloud replied. Another lab assistant screamed somewhere. A door opened.

[Is that even going to work?]

[Don't do it!]

[I'm doing it.]

[No Cloud, wait until we get there!]

[Nope. I'm doing it.]

[It's too risky! Wait for backup!]

[Cloud?]

[Cloud!]

There's a moment of silence. No response. The atmosphere is drawn out, tense. No one dares breath. And then, Cloud finally responds.

[Huh. Hojo tastes horrible, by the way.]

Silence.

[Wait. You actually bit him?] Tifa asks, more than a little taken aback.

Cloud's reply is nonchalant, [Well yeah. The toxins are in our spit. And the idiot picked me up by my tail.]

[You actually BIT him? Oh my gosh. Shiva's tit's I love you spiky!] Zack crows.

[Hey!]

[Of course I love you the most sugar muffin, you know I do.] Zack's reply to Aerith leaves the group laughing at her admonishment.

[My condolences,] Vincent tells Cloud. His voice is flat, but even across telepathy the sarcastic grin is undeniable.

[I have no doubt it was foul. I only hope he did not taste too terrible,] Nanaki adds wisely.

Cloud's reply is filled with long suffering humour. [I have suffered greatly for our cause.]

[This is all well and fine, but if we could please hurry this up...?] Reeve interrupts. The others pay rapt attention. [I really would like to get out of this vent sooner rather than later.]

Hollander is suddenly dive bombed by two very eager, murderous tonberries. He doesn't stand a chance. The others begin their retreat. On their way out, Cid steals three boxes of tea and all of Heidigger's cigar stash, Barret shoots through some circuit breakers and puts the whole building into darkness, Yuffie steals every materia she can grab and then some, Nanaki and Cloud free Nanaki's past self (who is more than a little gobsmacked by the whole affair), and Zack and Aerith decide to scare the shit out of a small group of of third class SOLDIERs by running right past them out of nowhere, screaming and waving their weapons, before disappearing just as suddenly. Nanaki's past self disappears too. They all quietly wish him luck. A few very specific first class SOLDIERs also get pranked with some water balloons, filled with a very specific healing water. The team's aim with the projectiles, as well as the cameras afterwards, is impeccable. 

When all is said and done, and they're outside of Midgar once more, Cid huffs victoriously. [Ya know. I could get used to this tonberry thing.]

IX.

The group travels in single file across the Midgar wastes, and then through the western plains, all but hidden in the grass that's almost twice their heights. Trailing one after another in the long grass, they're not sure who's surprised more when they come across their worst enemy. Them, or the wide eyed silverette staring at them and blinking with more than a little incomprehension in his gaze.

[So. I may have found a Sephiroth.] Yuffie states. It takes them less than an instant to all start running to her location, Barrett and Nanaki are already there, having been closest to her. Sephiroth unsheathes the Masamune, carefully watching his foes as they stare him down, pointing their small weapons towards him. It looks like he's strategizing his attack when Nanaki appears through the long grass to his right. Vincent shows up behind him, having circled around to his back without even a single rustle giving him away. Then Reeve, then Cloud, then everyone else. They surround him in a circle, and the first class SOLDIER watches them all warily. They all glare at the man and brandish their weapons silently, their eyes filled with dark promise.

Sephiroth frowns. “Hm.”

And then he retreats, jumping over them and vanishing into the distance. They all stare at where he's disappeared to with more than a little shock. Sephiroth? Running away? Barret is the first to recover, snorting. [Well to be fair, would YOU want to take on ten tonberries at once?]

The answer is a resounding 'no'. Reeve laughs loudly.

X.

Their ability to swim is proving invaluable. Rather than cut through the mountains and trying to catch a ship to Junon, they simply cut across the ocean to Costa Del Sol and follow the coast around the continent. They're already to the coasts by Rocket town when they have their next fluke meeting with a SOLDIER. Two of them, even.

[Aww, weren't you a cute little Shinra suckface when you were younger!] Barret teases Zack. Zack just gives him a glare and points his sword at him in warning.

“Hey Angeal! He's got a mini Buster! Isn't it adorable?” Says past Zack, hopping about in a second class uniform, and the rest of the party has to stifle their laughter at the glorious face-palms both Tonberry-Zack and Angeal commit. “Guess the Keepers of Honour aren't your only fans, eh sir?”

“I suppose it's a.... dedicated interpretation,” the man replies with a curmudgeoned frown. He shifts nervously. The rest of their party appears, hoping to intimidate their way out of a potential confrontation, and it works. “Zack, we're leaving. Now.”

“Aww, but Angeal-!”

“We're ill prepared. Regular tonberries are dangerous enough, and these ones are obviously special.”

The man and the teen retreat, and their Zack laughs in his own little, purple tonberry way. [Wow, this is gonna be SO weird. I love it.]

[Oh my gods I'm a pipsqueak over in Wutai right now, aren't I?] Yuffie complains. They all take a moment to laugh at her expense.

[So. We wanna steal a bunch of rocket fuel and stuff to blow up Jenova?] Cid offers. They all nod emphatically and agree.

XI.

The theft in Rocket town goes off almost without a hitch. Aerith gets Zack, Tifa, and Cloud into some alcohol, because she's Aerith, and the town decides that drunken tonberries are NOT as funny in practice as in theory (although they're pretty sure the local bar just renamed itself in their honour). The group makes their way to Nibelheim somehow, despite all the shenanigans, and make pathetically easy work of getting into the reactor and disposing of the monsters in the pods within.

Jenova comes next. Thy carefully drag her outside first, keeping her separate from the mako, and by the time the somewhat sentient virus realizes that these monsters aren't friendly, they're going to town on her and she has no escape.

Aerith, Reeve, and Nanaki all find out that they're surprisingly good casters in their new forms. “Fire” is a spell they have all too much fun getting in some practice with.

XII.

Once the fight winds down and they all realize they're a lot more tired than they'd like to admit, they head towards the Shinra mansion to get some rest. On the way there, they hear children shriek. And it's not a happy sound. They find a pile of children beating up another one, and in the space of a breath Aerith is already in their midst and gently, but firmly, smacking them all away from the kid on the ground. So of course this means they all run away screaming and wailing in pain. And then they realize that there's a bright shock of blonde hair that is very, very familiar.

[Hades' hell pot and Titan's tremors, Cloud! You're adorable!]

[Zack...!] warns the pale yellow tonberry.

The twelve year old Cloud looks at them, utterly confused at their weird squishy things gathered around him. “Uh? What are you?” He's clearly nervous. But he isn't running, either. He looks like he's not sure whether or not to be thankful, or fearful, but overall he's taking being stared at by ten little fish people bearing arms pretty well.

[I'm gonna hug him.] Zack states. He's going for it before anyone can stop him.

[Zack!]

The rest of the group, sans Vincent and Cloud himself, decide to join in on it before tonberry-Cloud can protest. Because why not. Poor baby-Cloud, as Zack is affectionately calling him, doesn't have a damn clue that he should probably be terrified of these things. Backwater mountain towns aren't exactly well known for having many monster encyclopedias.

The twelve year old looks down at the tonberries piling in to hug him, the pink one gently patting his bruises from where he'd be bullied and the brown one with a gun glaring menacingly where the other children disappeared to, and decides he doesn't really care where these things came from. Because they are very nice.

Zack is unbearably smug when he's the first one picked up and hugged back.

XIII.

The group is halfway down the Nibel mountains, heading to blow up the reactor in the Corel desert, when they realize they've been followed. Baby Cloud is the first one they find, of course. He's not as subtle as he'd like to think he is. The ten tonberries are soon arguing about whether or not they should take him back, because there's too many risks involved in any decision. Take him back? But what if he follows them again, this time unguarded? And what if they lose too much time doing so? But take him with them? Again, far too dangerous, and what if he gets caught with them? The child doesn't seem to care that the tonberries seem worried, because Yuffie decides to fuss over the boy anyways. The decision is not made easier when a redheaded man in red leather hisses at the boy, emerging from a copse nearby. He approaches slowly as the blonde watches, cross legged, sat on the ground, and completely, blissfully unaware that hugging a tonberry in his lap is not a conventionally good idea.

“Boy, I don't know what you're doing, but you need to let go of that thing and back away slowly,” the man smiles. He's approaching calmly, gently, and watching the tonberries like a hawk. He's putting out an air of the responsible, trustworthy adult.

“But they're my friends? They're really nice,” Little Cloud says, and the tonberries all look at him.

And then they look at Genesis Rhapsodos, SOLDIER extroardinaire, and everything grinds to a halt.

[So. Uh. Anybody know who the ginger Vincent wannabe is there?] Barret grunts, and Vincent glares at him in utter offense. His tail thrashes, and it's like a cat trying very hard to not show how mortified it is at your actions, and failing miserably. The morose gunman still hasn't quite gotten complete control of the tail yet.

[Genesis Rhapsodos. First class SOLDIER guy, loves to light things on fire, and Jenova project baby. Failed one,] Zack answers with a concerned hum.

“Tonberries are not friends. They like to hurt people, and are very, very good at it,” Genesis explains slowly, and it's clear he's worried for both the kid who is obviously too dense to care for himself, and also the fact that there are ten colourful tonberries giving him rather a lot of attention. He shifts, just a little, and makes no sudden moves. Neither do they.

“But they're my friends! They scared away the bullies and helped me. Not even my mom does that...” The younger Cloud looks down at the ground, face screwed up sadly. “Mom always tells me I should have someone to take care of me. But she never took care of the bullies for me before. But they did. So they're my friends. And they're not hurting me, see?” He stands up, and brandishes Yuffie. His arms quake a little at her weight, and she cheekily waves at Genesis with her shuriken.

“I.... see,” Genesis replies. He's still watching warily. “You ran away from home, then?”

“Yeah! I was gonna go join SOLDIER at fourteen anyways. Why not start early?” the blonde huffs. He deposits Yuffie an the ground, then crosses his arms with a huff. Tonberry-Cloud, eyes sorrowful, slowly walks forward, his sword on his back. Genesis stiffens, but tonberry-Cloud just motions for his younger self to lean down. Tonberry-Cloud then sighs, shakes his head, and walks behind the boy so that he can push him towards Genesis.

[If we take 'me' with us, he's only going to get in trouble. I don't like it, but if he's seen with us it'll be even worse for him,] he explains. The others hum their approval, even if Zack hums and haws a bit more than necessary.

Both child-Cloud and Genesis seems a little taken aback by this, but tonberry-Cloud takes his younger self to the redhead, pats him on the back of the hand, and starts walking away. The others walk with him, Zack giving the kid a little thumbs up as they go to hide his own worries. [I don't know if Genesis is the best guy to leave your past self with with,] he begins, [but you're right that he's gonna get in hot water if he stays with us.]

[Aww man, I was looking forward to corrupting you,] Yuffie gripes. Tifa giggles.

Genesis watches them leave, and they can hear the conversation as they trudge down the mountain path. “Well. I guess they were friendly after all, for tonberries. Anyways. We should take you home now.”

“Nope! Not goin'! I'm already this far out, I'm not gonna stop 'til I get to Midgar!” drawls the blonde, “'Cause I wanna be strong, and I don't wanna be scared of bullies no more! I'm gonna be a hero, just like the first class SOLDIER, Sephiroth!”

Zack winces at that comment. Genesis huffs, muttering spitefully as he tenses, “There's more first class SOLDIERs than just Sephiroth-”

“There are?”

The genuinely confused inquiry takes Genesis aback, but he's quick to recover. And even quicker to slip into a charming grin, “Why you really don't know? I am a first class SOLDIER myself. In fact, I am Sephiorth's rival, even!”

Younger Cloud is utterly awed and enchanted. Zack looks back at the pair grimly. [Oh boy. What have we done?]

XIV.

Corel is down, reactor busted, when they're finally tracked down a day out of Gongaga.

It's all three of Shinra's strongest SOLDIERs, plus a few backup squads to provide cover fire. The tonberries are tough, however, and know they can pull through. Both sides let out war cries and charge. The battle becomes brutal. And yet, the epic confrontation between the first classes and the tonberries is suddenly interrupted when Zack and... the younger Cloud?!? Dash onto the scene, wielding swords. “Stop!” the blonde yells. And somehow, the fight stops dead. Cloud the tonberry halts, looks at Genesis, and then gestures at his younger self as if to ask -weren't you supposed to be taking that back home?!-

Genesis, intelligent as he is, just shakes his head and groans. Tonberry-Cloud puts his hands on his hips and Genesis answers, “Do you have any IDEA how stubborn he is?!”

They do, in fact. All other tonberries look to mini-Cloud, then their own blonde swordsman in unison. Tonberry-Cloud groans. [Oh come on, seriously?]

Tifa pokes him, [Yes, seriously, Mr. I'm-sick-and-dying-so-I'm-going-to-go-into-hiding-instead-of-getting-treatment!]

[We're still kind of pissed at you for that, Spiky,] Barret chides.

Cloud growls at him, and argues back. The bickering starts. Zack and Aerith start chanting [Fight, fight, fight!] Yuffie starts rolling around with laughter while Cid has to lean on his spear from his guffaws, and Cloud, poor Cloud, gets verbally attacked on multiple sides by a very upset girlfriend, a very upset sorta-brother-in-law figure by the name of Barret (Marlene made everyone family, what can you say?), and the humans are all just standing and watching the antics as some overly colourful tonberries start squeaking in fury at each other. Even the black skinned, quiet Vincent snipes at Cloud every once in a while. Turns out he'd also been very concerned, in his own way.

Somewhere along the line, someone makes the mistake of stomping too hard, or flicking their tail too strongly, and one or two accidents turn into backlashes turn into an all out fishy freak-out brawl. It doesn't help when Tonberry-Zack literally throws his fellow fish man Cid into the mix, laughs, and then has to scream and run because throwing a dragoon six times his body length away does NOT get you out of his jump-attack range, apparently.

The humans from Shinra are flabbergasted at first. A few watch in half horror, half amusement. Vincent and Nanaki terrify a few by sneaking away from the fight and into their midst, which had been a relatively safe distance to watch from up until then.

Tifa ends the whole shebang by glorious accident when she decides that throwing Cloud is a perfectly good counter to being blown off, Sephiroth nearly gets eighty pounds of yellow fishy fury to the face by accident, and the Shinra fighters all decide digression is the better part of valour when fatally toxic, murderous animals are getting tossed about like leaves in a storm. They retreat.

Someone takes a picture before they leave, though. Because that shit was hilarious.

XV.

They successfully blow up the Gongagan reactor (with minimal casualties, thankfully-apparently people are starting to evacuate whenever they arrive), and an unexpected detour to Fort Condor throws off all pursuers. It's when they make it to Junon that they're located by Shinra again.

To be fair, it was sort of Cloud's fault, again. Zack wasn't helping though.

[I TOLD you I'd be too slow!] Cloud complains, but Zack is too busy laughing.

[Slow? Oh my gosh that was hilarious spiky. Slow? Buaahahahaha!]

Cloud growls, points the miniature First Tsurugi at the town square he's just crossed, and huffs. [It took me two minutes to cross that. Two. MINUTES. And I STILL don't get why everyone was panicking so hard!]

Zack looks back at the square, chuffs, and grins at Cloud. [Hey man. How long do you think it would take normal tonberries to cross that?]

Cloud looks at the square, narrows his eyes. Hums. [Ummm...]

Zack's piscine face splits wide, sharp little teeth grinning. [Like, probably a half hour, dude. So. Slow for a human? Maybe. Slow for a tonberry? Heh...]

Tifa, no longer hidden under a garbage bin nearby, gives a concerned grunt. [No wonder everyone has been freaking out so much...]

XVI.

The Junon reactor is no problem to destroy when you're a bunch of fish people. Who needs a submarine when you can just swim? Tonberries don't, that's for sure. They think their trail is getting a bit too hot though, and end up hiding out and taking out Modeoheim next. The old area is practically abandoned, and completely forgotten. Where to next, though?

[We're running out of reactors to attack. They'll be able to predict us more and more. And I doubt we can avoid proper confrontation for much longer,] Nanaki bemoans.

[I dunno man, just have Tifa throw us at people. That got them running pretty fast last time!] laughs Yuffie. [Just as long as they don't get any morph materia. I do NOT want to be made into a ribbon...]

[Bet you'd be pretty though,] Aerith giggles.

[Heck yeah.]

Barret huffs, [But where to next?]

Reeve looks at Vincent. Vincent blinks back. [Does anyone wanna go blow up DEEPGROUND again?] Reeve offers.They all stare.

Zack peeps curiously, [What's a DEEPGROUND?]

XVII.

[Nero is hugging me.]

[No! Really? You serious?]

[Nero is hugging me. I am not comfortable with this.]

Despite Vincent's discomfort, more than a few of them can't help but laugh. Indeed, the small, black, red eyed creature that is assassin extroardinaire Vincent Valentine, is being hugged by a gangly teenager. Nero is holding tightly, curious and in awe of the little thing that's nearly as bedraggled looking as he himself is. [I guess that's what we get for rescuing these kids from literal Hell, huh?] Cid observes with a wry grin, happily chewing one of his pilfered cigars.

[I did not realize that they'd still be teenagers. Perhaps this is fortuitous?] Reeve hums, watching as Zack smashes a restrictor helmet to bits with his miniature Buster sword. The purple tonberry is muttering darkly, disgusted by what he's discovered, and Aerith nearby is trying to twirl about and play friendly with as many of the DEEPGROUND victims as possible. She's not exactly good at 'friendly', but considering she's a tonberry that ISN'T trying to kill them all with a sharp knife, the DEEPGROUND SOLDIERs aren't exactly arguing. Not that they're good judges of friendliness, either.

Barret squirms, [A bit of a shame about Rosso and Azul, though...] he admits. It's clear he's still bothered by those they couldn't save, minds too depraved, too far gone.

Reeve looks out over the carnage, shuddering a little. His tail, or what's left of it, flicks. He winces immediately. [We're doing our best, but... I suppose we can't save everyone...]

[Not gonna stop us from saving as @#&$ing many as we can!!] Cid roars, brandishing his spear. He's only got one paw left, but it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all. DEEPGROUND, or at least its Restrictors, hadn't gone down without a fight.

[So!] Aerith interjects, her beady eyes glittering like jewels, [Now that we have some new friends, I bet it'll help in taking down the other reactors?]

They all pause. Taking down DEEPGROUND wasn't supposed to have been a recruitment campaign, and yet... There's certainly opportunity there. Especially since DEEPGROUND could bring some speed to their admittedly slow group of planet-savers. Cloud hums. Thinks it over, as the group's unofficial leader.

Vincent just groans. Nero has started petting him.

XVII.

All their preparation, their nervousness about taking down the reactors, turns out for naught.

[So it turns out,] Reeve begins over their mental connection, [that after we started destroying the reactors, and after both Hojo and Hollander were no longer there to influence the company, that the realities of Mako power came to light. They've been working on alternatives for a while now.]

[And it had absolutely nothing to do with trying to keep a team of killer tonberries away, when said killer tonberries were honing in on and destroying every reactor they could get their hands on?] Tifa cheekily asked, humour in her tone.

[Oh certainly. That had nothing to do with it at all,] Reeve replies, playing along. [Nothing at all.] He can't hide the laugh.

[Well now what? That was kind of our job,] Yuffie growls. Her tail is flicking impatiently as the hyper ninja has suddenly found herself with nothing to do. Yufie with nothing to do was never a good situation for bystanders. Barret edges away subtly.

Reeve, who is somewhere up high in the tower while the rest of them are hidden in the stairwell or various air ducts again, hums. [Whatever we want, I suppose. The planet will be fine from here on out. And my past self has been surprisingly accommodating with me and my explanations.]

[Thank Gaia for computers and keyboards.]

[Indeed.]

[If it is all the same to everyone else,] Nanaki begins haltingly, rubbing at his orange hide, [I would dearly love to return to the canyon. To make sure my past self is safe. I may not be what I was, but if I can help my... help the species, help the canyon, even as I am now...]

They all realize why Nanaki was being hesitant. Not because he was shy. Not because it wasn't a noble goal. But because they all knew what his aspirations meant, they'd all thought of it, but none of them had been quite brave enough to admit it yet. Their job was done. With everything done... the group could split. Would split. It had happened before, when AVALANCHE had saved the world last time. Task complete, there was nothing to truly force them together anymore. They would separate again. And although great friends, they also had their own lives. Lives that would be even more in question, even more unsure in how to proceed, since they were all, well.... no longer what they'd been.

[I'm gonna be the first @#$&ing tonberry in space!] Cid growls. Good old Cid. No goodbyes. Just promises. Something for the others to look forward to seeing. [Just you watch!]

[Heck yeah, Cid! And I'm gonna get every single materia I can! I bet I could get a whole bunch from the ocean floor, now that I can dive!] Yuffie cheered. The others giggled.

[Maybe you could even become your own accomplice,] Tifa teases, and with the way Yuffie lights up, they all know it's going to happen. A two-Yuffie tag team, even if one is a tonberry? It just had to be done, once the notion was out there. Tifa herself looks to Vincent, [Me? I think DEEPGROUND still needs a helping hand. There are so many kids that deserve a second chance...]

[Indeed,] Vincent blinks, [Nero, the others. They will need guidance. That sort of power should not be left unchecked. I may recruit them to head to Shinra manor first, however...]

[It would be a good place for them to restart. Nibelheim is remote, but the manor still has labs for medical...] Cloud answers, haltingly. Logically he can admit to why they should go there, for the past version of Vincent if nothing else. But he, himself, cannot go there. Too much blood and water under that bridge.

[Me and Aerith are gonna go guard Aerith!] Zack cuts in energetically. [I owe my girl few dates, and taking care of her past self and the flowers sounds like a great start to that!]

[Just don't try to build any carts, honey boo.]

[Hey!]

A laugh is shared around the group. It's a little nervous, however. This is goodbye. They all look at each other one more time. The rest continue to state where they're going, so that the goodbye need not be permanent. Barret, surprisingly, is not going back to Corel. [Well, we've still gotta worry about the AVALANCHE of this time. I'll keep up with them and make sure they don't get up to no big trouble. I'll keep in contact with you, Reeve, since you're staying at Shinra tower.]

[There are so many projects I could help my past self with...] Reeve trails off. 

[And if either of you need backup, I should probably stay here and keep an eye on the SOLDIERs,] Cloud offers. But his voice is soft. There's a pause. A pregnant, heavy silence. No one willing to say the final words. No one willing to make this goodbye final, not yet. And then Cloud shatters the moment in the most unexpected way. [Er... hmm. Uh oh.]

They're all instantly alert. [Cloud?]

[Uh oh? What do you mean, uh oh?]

[Cloud, this better not be your ridiculous luck kicking your ass again!]

Silence.

[Oh.... Oh no, it is, isn't it?]

[The vent I'm in was... sort of in need of repairs when I got here. It is now in dire need of repairs. Tonberries are heavy...]

[Uh oh.]

[Oh no.]

[Just don't move, it'll be fine!]

[The vent is creaking.]

[Oh. That is a definite 'uh oh'.]

[Okay, maybe move-!]

[Too late,] Cloud groans, and the tone is just the sort of fatalistic acceptance they're used to hearing from him when life suddenly decides that Cloud's existence was too boring, and it needed to throw in some dolphin-based-infiltration into Junon, or cross-dressing, or dancing chocobos, or some other absurdity into the mix. Because Minerva, if that goddess of Gaia had anything to do with this, had a somewhat sadistic and ridiculous sense of humour. There's a moment where they can all feel the “Oh, shit” Cloud is thinking as he falls. Their telepathic connection isn't normally good for straight emotions, but this one's pretty powerful.

Especially when it's followed by an even stronger, “Oh HOLY shit!” soon afterwards.

[Cloud? You okay? Did you fall on anyone?] Yuffie peeps.

[Erm.]

[Cloud? Who was it?]

[Erm.]

[Cloud.]

[There's good news and bad news.]

[Cloud...] They all perk up, paying rapt attention to their leader's plight. Tifa's stern questioning echoes through the connection. They can't tell if this is about to become a comedy, or a tragedy. Probably both.

[No one's hurting each other.]

[Cloud.]

[My past self is getting along really well with Genesis apparently.]

[Cloud...]

[I'm okay too. They're just sort of, staring?]

[Oh for Minerva's sake, Cloud! I know that has to be the good news. Give me the bad news!] Tifa snarls, and no one tells Tifa 'no' when she's in a-sweet-and-loving-but-will-kick-your-ass-mother mode. Cloud relents.

[I was spying on the firsts class SOLDIERs having a meeting before the vent broke. I fell,] Cloud states. They all go silent.

Zack is the first to snicker, [You landed in the middle of the Seph's desk didn't you.]

[The hell is this thing even made out of, anyway? Concrete!?]

[Never did like that thing anyways,] Zack grumbles. [Hey sweetie flower sugar buns,you feel like mounting a rescue mission?]

Aerith's response is prompt. [Nope. This is hilarious. Reeve, are there any more vents nearby?]

[No, but there are cameras.]

[Awesome.]

Zack swoons, [Aw yeah, a girl after my own heart.]

[You all suck. And Sephiroth is poking me. What.]

[Oh my god, pfffft.]

[NO I AM NOT TAME! Past me, you betray me, why?!]

[Okay, this is gold.]

[Reeve, get the feed, now.]

[YOU ALL SUCK!!]

It seemed like there might be one or two delays in the group splitting up after all.


End file.
